Kate and I walked into my mothers hospital room, she didn’t look like she was getting better in fact she looked worse. I slipped on to the same molded plastic chair, next to my mothers bed that I had sat on every day for a long, long time. She turned her head to look at me with hooded eyes she hardly ever fully opened her eyes anymore. Lord be merciful to my mom, please, please help her!!!!!!
“ Seth, you’re here,” my mothers voice rasped. I smiled and grasped her hand tightly. I sat and talked to her but the whole time my mind was elsewhere.
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My precious son, how I long to get well and live my life with you to its fullest. I looked at my son with tears welling in my eyes. The longing to die and end my own suffering was powerful but the desire to be with my son was overwhelming. Lord be with him when you take me to your everlasting world.
“ Seth honey,” I whispered and he leaned forward to hear, “ I love you and I will always be with you. I will be with you always, it will be like having your own guardian angel. I love you forever and always.” I smiled, so did he, sobs shook my body, but I suddenly started to panic, I could no longer taste the sweet air that most people took for granted.
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“Mom, mom answer me, come on mom!” The sobs shook me as I reached for the emergency button. The realization of what was happening made me freeze. Doctors and nurses rushed into the room, Kate reached for me but I fought her, I wanted to stay with my mom, I couldn’t leave her.
“ I love you to mom, I love you too!” As Kate dragged me out of the room I saw tears slip from my moms eyes, and she weakly mouthed ‘I love you too’, our final good buy. I could tell she was slipping away this was the last time I would talk to her. Then I turned and trudged regretfully out of the room where my mom was taking her last breath.
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Kate touched my shoulder, the pain in her eyes told me all I needed to know. No words could explain the intense grief that I felt at the news. Tears streaked my face and ran to the window. The sky was crying with me, God’s tears were falling along with mine. Why had this happened to me, why now? I hate you God, you never loved me you ruined my life, you took away my everything. The only real family I had.
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Lord you give and take away, please be with Seth as he tries to go through this one his own.
“ Seth come here, we need to talk. I was wondering were you wanted to go for the night, if you want you could come to my place for the night until we arrange something.
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“ Seth come in here, please.” I rushed into the kitchen
“ Are they done? Are they finally done, are we really a family?” The adoption papers are finally done. I smiled as I thought of having a mother again.
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The stabbing pain of loss had been reduced to a dull thud, but the feeling of loss would never be completely gone. Kate has helped me through all of this, she helped me realize that no mater what God would never leave me. Kate read me a story called “Footprints”, about a man who realizes that God carried him through all of the rough times in his life. I feel like God gave me Kate in my time need and that was his way of carrying me.
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